i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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