She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
