i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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