just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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