Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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