I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
