Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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