that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
