Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
