Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
