Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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