I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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