I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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