Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
