Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
