i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
