I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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