just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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