I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
