I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you never un-have a 4some
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
