that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize