if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
