I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
