she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
