i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
