I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize