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I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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