she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
