If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize