I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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