he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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