Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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