You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
