I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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