I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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