farters have to be the big spoon...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
