Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
