never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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