I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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