My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
