And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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