he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
