I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize