I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
