and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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