Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize