went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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