Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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