I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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