Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
