John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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