I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
