Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
