I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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