So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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