Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
