i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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