i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
