Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
