I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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