i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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