i dont even know how to be here
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
