I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
