Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The ass gains better be worth it
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